This is for those who suffer from this extreme mental anguish. The people who are real. The people who go through with amputating digits, limbs and/or are disabling themselves. People look down on you. They call you crazy, they dismiss you and they refuse to understand your desires. They don't even try. You concern those who care about you. You've found this identity in your outlandish and "crazy" obsession. The high only last a few months and you continue to crave more. This is the counterfeit for the attention that you may have been starved as a child. Abandoned and misused with your kind hearted nature. You don't want to make others feel your pain, you just want people to notice yours. You want people to know how badly you hurt on the inside. To make them understand. For you to be special. Dude, I get it.
I'll never forget that day I was hanging out at the Devil's Playground with Matt, Jasmine and Mikey. This godforsaken place is behind our mall, and it's filled with places for junkies to shoot up and misunderstood teenagers to get out all their angsts in poorly executed graffiti "art". Don't get me wrong, some of the tags and pictures were actually pretty decent, but for all intention purposes it was a breeding ground for problems in society. It was cool though, seeing it always changing from the last time you decided to go get high there because you were a mall rat learning how to steal and be a degenerate in order to fit in.
This day wasn't much different, just the same ole same ole typical misunderstood teenager itinerary. Smoking weed, hailing satan (Mikey, not me) making out, pretending to be cool, and trying to be pretty. It was of course, me at 15 with my older 18 year old boyfriend who had a jeep and kind eyes. There was also my best friend in crime and her mentally unstable and abusive boyfriend named Mikey. We were all just messing around. Matt and I sitting there talking about weird things that made me feel special and interesting because someone was giving me the time of day to listen to the "strange things" I had to say about life. He found me interesting. I wanted to continue to stay this portrayal that I was mysterious, intriguing and an objective to figure out. I was fueled on the attention of males and people alike who would take the time to figure out who I was. I remember swinging out feet over the side of a platform we could sit and talk at. Sitting close to one another, enjoying our time as Mikey and Jasmine are pursuing their own agendas a few feet away. And then...there it was. My left arm. Just dangling there. The connecting point between my shoulder and the rest of my arm burning for attention. Burning to be lined with incision marks to aim where to strike it off with a knife or an ax. The intense desire to cut my arm off. The feeling intensified as I went on to describe it to Matt, who is becoming more engrossed with me illustrating the raw emotions I felt. It burns right now as I think and give it power.
And now here I am a 23. In my nice apartment with my nice fiance who would be quite concerned if I visited such places. Resting from his job and enjoying our weekend. It's interesting that each time when I think about the intensity, the desire to cut it off I feel the place where the incision should be made just as I did that first time.
Only now, I stop myself. I gain back control. I remind myself that to disregard and be ungrateful for the gift that God has graced me with, I am humbled.
I come out of the intensity of the emotion. I touch my arm. I love my arm. I thank God for my arm. I massage it. I realize all of the amazing things in life I am able to do because of it. I am thankful for it to aid in my ability to experience and enjoy life. The incision fades away with each genuine smile that blossoms on my face when I touch that arm.

If trying to be thankful doesn't work the first time.
Keep at it. Don't give up. Keep trying.

You might dismiss me  for the following suggestion. That's okay. This suggestion isn't for everyone. And I don't recommend it unless you're over 21, making sure you have medical grace medicine, and have the day to adjust.
medicinal marijuana. I would recommend a blend of both indica and sativa strains. The indica for the body relaxation. The sativa for the openness of the mind.
If you've tried being thankful and you just aren't feeling it. You seriously just cannot handle it for whatever reason then give this a try. Or don't. I don't gain or lose anything regardless of what you do. I just want to help.
After smoking and getting a munchie to eat continue to begin your journey in the bathtub. Light a candle and turn off the lights. Turn the water temperature up to your preference. The warmer the better. Soak for a little bit. Do some deep breathing. Breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds and exhale through your mouth for 4 seconds and continue to deepen by extending the time. If you've done this correctly then your body will be extremely relaxed. Now feel the heat around your body. Be thankful for the ability to have hot water. Remember that not so long ago hot water was not as simple as turning a handle. Smile! You've got a beautiful body. A body that is capable of allowing you to experience the good things in life. Wash your body with soap. Slowly. Take the soap over each part of your body, starting wherever you'd like. It could be your feet, hands, arms....doesn't matter. Start somewhere and massage soap into the body. Being thankful for how great it feels to have it to massage. It feels so great. To alleviate and thank your body for what it does for you. Those fingers allowing you to be a voice on the internet, to discover new knowledge, to touch your loved ones. Your feet. Your feet for travelling you distances and allowing you to visit places otherwise made difficult without them. Love your body. Appreciate it for it's basic function. Thank God for gifting you. Do not waste your gift. Embrace it.

Please let me know if this helped. I felt so great after doing this, I just wanted to share. It seems like you're missing out on life if you don't get to experience this. All comments and experiences shared are welcomedthisnal