After living for over 30 years with Biid, and being diagnosed by three different specialists in the Netherlands and one in Scotland, while studying every paper I could find. It seams like, sometimes parts of the puzzle falls in place.
One of them is the connection between devotees, pretenders and wannabes. Really I start thinking more and more that these three groups are just different manifestations of the same "disorder". Disorder, is written here with "" to not scare away the reader, who possibly is suffering from this disorder, however might have not felt that way. This disorder: Body Integrity Identity Disorder, is a disorder where your body is not identified correctly by the brain. Earlier research links this with a psychological cause, however more and more studies are linking it with a neurological origin. The neurological origin could be described with: the mapping of ones body in the brain, has not been finished totally, is incorrect or lacks certain limbs, who are truly there in reality.
This has the effect that individuals who are suffering from this disorder have different stages of emotions, and ways to deal with the disorder. Devotees have the lightest stage of Biid and an attraction to the disabled (as close as possible to the way her/his body map is functioning). This attraction, if fuelled enough (through, looking at or connecting with the disabled) is enough to deal with the Biid feelings. Pretenders are in the more heavy category of Biid, for them to deal with their feelings they need to pretend and encounter the disability by themselves. Sometimes, dayly, weekly etc. just to be able to stay sane. The most severe category are the wannabes, who really have an absolute need to be disabled physically and permanently,this to be able to feel o.k. and continue with their lives.
I would guess; depending on the neurological development and health of your brain, theoretically you would be able to shift from stage to stage through life. So depending how healthy the connections and synapses in your brain would be, you would develop a better or worse body map. If this is practically true, I do not know. I have been trying to shift from the wannabe stage, to the pretender or even devotee stage,by trying to live a healthy lifestyle. However, I have not had any succeses yet. On the other hand, I can report some success with extended pretending, however, here might be another neurological function at work...
Anybody wants to comment or has any ideas about this?
your theory sounds pretty understandable. I can confirm certain experiences and feelings that you describe.
As a young boy, I already felt attracted to amputated people. I do not know why. As a child, you don't worry about that. I was amazed and surprised by the difference of amputated people. I was curious about the stumps, their moving and how they could be used. Empty trouser legs, guys with crutches and in general every absence of body parts made my heart bump and beat. Any kind of amputation thrilled me, whether missing lower legs, arms, hands or just fingers. Unfortunately, I rarely had the opportunity to enjoy stumps without prostheses or uncovered.
Children are pretty free and innocent and they have no idea that something could be wrong with that little boy who pretend lak. Our favorite game was buccaneers (maybe I forced that game and it was still clear that I was the one-legged captain and the broom of my grandmother was abused as a crutch. That was still childish and very exciting. The fact that I imposed restrictions on myself, tied up my left leg and crippled through the playground with a broom, suggests that I was actually a little wannabe, but at least a pretender. But this need wasn't and isn't very pronounced for me. But sometimes I imagine me as an amputee lbk and use the crutches I have now.
A few years later, I broke my leg, the first time in the age of 13 years. I was 14 years old when I broke my leg the second time and a last time in the age of 16. Twice the left leg, once the right leg. For the first and third time I had to use crutches and I was pretty proud. After 6 weeks using the crutches, it felt like a disaster when the plaster cast had been removed and I had to hand over the crutches. The second time I broke my leg, there was no need for crutches. My feelings were less exciting because I got fine using the plaster cast. My casted leg didn't feel like a disability. However, in this condition, I experienced my first sexual adventure. It was just great: a bit immobilized and the plaster cast somehow always a hindrance, which, however, aroused me in a special way. Gorgeous: D
Today, I admire the power and strength to lead a life of amputations. But I am ashamed to be aroused by someone who had an accident. I can't deal with being turned on by an involuntary disability. It is clear: I'm attracted by amputees. Sweet dreams of stumps that touch and explore my body have haunted me for many years. But sometimes I imagine my own amputation and that makes me ... yeah: cool! If you know what I mean ;)
After all the rollercoaster rides that I have experienced so far, you could really be right: devotee, pretender and wannabe may be three levels of the same disorder. Perhaps my desire to be amputated becomes stronger when I think that my greatest wish will not come true: to be happy with an amputated future friend who enjoy my attention and devotion to his incomplete and therefore more beautiful body.
and it was still clear that I was the one-legged captain and the broom of my grandmother was abused as a crutch. That was still childish and very exciting. The fact that I imposed restrictions on myself, tied up my left leg and crippled through the playground with a broom, suggests that I was actually a little wannabe, but at least a pretender. But this need wasn't and isn't very pronounced for me. But sometimes I imagine me as an amputee lbk and use the crutches I have now.
