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Post Info TOPIC: Wannabe and Suicidal Feelings
JJ


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Wannabe and Suicidal Feelings
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Hi, I'm an left leg amputee wannabe. I've wanted to be LBK amputee for 4 years consciously and have had attempts at doing it myself, and more recently I've wanted LAK as I realized I wanted to keep my knee for more practical reasons but that I really wanted above knee in the way I identify. 

My question is has anyone else been having suicidal thoughts and do these thoughts come and go? Sometimes I feel so isolated and frustrated that I wonder if it's worth carrying on. I picture a better life in my future as an amputee but I doubt i'll ever obtain my goal, and that I'm just a fantasist. 

Every day my head is filled with this most desperate desire and thinking of ways it could be done, but no-one around me and closest to me will ever realize the torment going on inside me. I've started having counselling and told her my amputee feelings which is helping, and at the same time difficult. I email people that say they have contacts with surgeons and have been doing a lot of research myself but haven't got very far yet.

I don't know where to turn so reaching out here because I know no-one will judge me here for having this issue, or try and tell me I should feel lucky to have 4 limbs. I'm from the United Kingdom and have never met another wannabe in person but would like to chat to people who understand me. It's been hard not being able to share this with close friends and family, and would like to get to know some of you, maybe it can ease the darkness.

Thanks for reading, 

JJ



-- Edited by JJ on Tuesday 16th of May 2017 09:38:21 PM

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My advice is that even when it seems crazy to you, do it yourself, I know it is easy to say and difficult to do, there are times that you should only close your eyes and let things go through, for more pain than you feel, after that Comes the calm and your goal.

Invent a tool that cuts your leg at once, with a lot of weight, call the ambulance first and when they are arriving, explain what happened and if they ask you a lot about what happened to you, tell them your wishes, if you can burn the rest amputated , So that they do not reinjerten to you.



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Your not alone. I'm the 'anonymous' one who started the 'dry ice help' topic in the general section about needing my hands gone (initial posts I didn't realize I wasn't logged in, just went as anonymous with it from there).

Anyway yes, my depression has been bad because of BIID most of my adult life. Every attempt to get help for it has failed. As the years progress, my frustration in wanting this to either go away or be done already has led to my wanting to take my own life more often than I like to admit. I feel so helpless, like this is something I should be able to have control over, but I don't. It has complete control of me and my entire life.

One promise I made to myself was I was going to achieve my goal before I die, therefore I'm not going to give up on this life until I experience the freedom and happiness of my life long dream being bilateral B/E arm amputee, both hands gone, even if I die trying. Not saying you should risk your life to accomplish your goal, but let's face it...there is the risk, and I'm sure people have died trying. With proper planning you can reduce that risk significantly. That's why I've decided I'm going to do what I have to do, and I set a time frame, I basically made a date 2 years out and said 'this is when it's going to happen'. That gives me time to plan and prepare.

Its given me a goal to work towards, something to look forward to. Its been a good focus that's helped me curb my depression and suicidal thoughts. Now 5 months into that date I'm realizing maybe I don't need that long, perhaps I'll have everything in place a year earlier, if so I'm not going to force myself to suffer any longer if I don't need to, but if come this January I don't feel 100% ready I'm not going to beat myself up as I know my initial date was set for 2 years out. All I know is by February 2019 I will no longer have these unwanted hands attached to my body, and that is a thought that has brought me so much relief, I'm so happy I finally decided I'm going to just get it over with. The way I see it, if I don't do something about it soon, its going to destroy my life, my career, my future, everything. I'm THAT consumed by it.

I wish you the best, don't give up, don't suffer...make a plan, stick to it, follow through. Reach out like you are, talk to others who have both suceeded and not. Learn from them. If you have a close friend you can talk to about it, do. I have 2 good friends who have been very supportive of this, it's helped a lot. I did, however, loose my partner when I told him my plan. That hurt, but perhaps was for the best. If he couldn't accept this and stand by me through it, then it was time to move on. Also was a good slap in the face that I can't be as open about it as I was ready to be. Stay focused and things will start coming together.

-Michael

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JJ


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Thanks for your replies and motivation anonymous and Michael

Michael- sorry about your partner. I can imagine it was painful losing someone because of your BIID but also difficult to keep your BIID from him. If you don't mind me asking, what plans do you need to make before attempting amputation?  

 

JJ



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Yes, Im still processing everything with the situation around loosing my partner, but I've moved on. Im currently in a situation where another close friend and I have started dating; I've suggested a major change in my life thats going to result from a life long psychological issue, and Ive informed him its something he could never be prepared for...he has reassured me he will support me with whatever it is. I am trying to decide if Im going to come out with it now before we get too serious, or later after he has a better understanding how important making this change is to me. I've just got to feel it out a bit more.

 

As for my plans, I'm going to follow through with the dry ice method. Ive spoken with several people through direct messaging, both successful and not about the process. I feel really good about my plan for doing it, I think I will be successful the first time exactly how I want it done. Physically my lifestyle is pretty much set, Ive used my current non-amputee prosthetic arms to ensure I wont encounter any surprise challenges. Psychologically Im ready, Ive carefully thought this through from every possible perspective and there is nothing that I have any concerns about. I have an excellent stable career that I will be able to continue with the use of prosthetics. At this point the only thing holding me back is money. It was only 6 months ago that I made this decision. I want to set enough money aside so that I dont encounter any financial hardship with this. I want to have enough to pay my bills, mortgage, and other needs and remain financially comfortable in the recovery time which I will be out of work. Also I will be completely dependant on someone for a couple months for every daily life task until I get prosthetics to regain my independence. Im not expecting a partner to do that for me if I have one at the time, and I sure as hell will not have my family fill that role so if it comes down to me paying out of pocket for a personal assistant I want to be ready for that as well. If it wasnt for the financial end Id be ready to do it today, although frostbite I do need it to be winter to make my story work.



-- Edited by Michael on Sunday 28th of May 2017 08:17:45 AM

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JJ


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It sounds like you've thought it all carefully, and from the stories I've read and watched on documentaries dry ice seems to be the most successful. Although be sure you do it right the first time- I tried dry ice on my leg a few years back but I obviously didn't pack it well enough and ended up with a long stay in hospital with full thickness burns, multiple infections and skin grafts done. Also blood clots are a massive factor. I know you've thought about all this, I just want you to be really careful, and the only real safe way is to have a surgeon do it. I have got a contact that says they can hook you up with a surgeon in South America, but it's really expensive and I can't afford it- $3000 USD + $17,500 (or $10,000 with BIID diagnoses from psychiatrist/psychologist).

I've been doing the same with living as I intend- like using a wheelchair and crutches everyday. You're right about finding someone to help you out at first, maybe look into the costs of hiring a personal assistant for a while. The most challenging thing for me is creating a cover story and working out exactly how I'm going to achieve the outcome I want. I guess if you wanted to do your hand amputation sooner you could say you went on holiday to a cold climate, but then you'd have to make up a whole story about the trip and where you went so it may be easier to wait until the winter as you say!

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JJ


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I've just seen this on youtube; www.youtube.com/watch I'm so glad people like this go on camera to share their experience and spread awareness about BIID, and incredibly brave, I know I couldn't do it. The man in the doc- Nick says he paid someone close to £20,000 to put him in contact with a surgeon to do the amputation and it turned out to be a scam. I wouldn't be surprized if it's the same person I've been talking to who supposedly has contacts in Mexico. It makes me sick that people would do this, and I would have handed over money too if I had it. With this condition it's really the only time you'd pay for something without meeting the surgeon for a consultation as the first step and having official documentation and proof. I really feel for the guy, it's a horrible thing to happen, I just wish there were more options for us and treatment available

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Yeah, I don't trust anyone. Also I don't trust questionable surgeons in other countries with possibly less than acceptable sanitation standards. I'd much rather take a chance with my own life performing a self inflicted injury in my own country with quality healthcare over the unknown.



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